Hello everyone. Something I'd like to start on here is to do a blog about a completely different subject than normal around Christmas time. So here goes! Don't worry, we'll return to our normal programming next time. But I think a lot of my readers are youngish men who are just starting families or might be on the cusp of it. So this post will hopefully help you with some real, practical advice from a newish Dad. If this interests you, read on! If not, check back soon as I have a big post cooking.
My wife and I had our first child (a daughter) almost two years ago now. So obviously I am not an old and wise grizzled father of five doling out advice. However, the first few weeks/months are particularly challenging and unique, and I feel like a lot of parents seem to sort of forget almost the whole first 6 months and how hard it can be. I've heard this is actually an evolutionary function for parents to incentivize us to have more kids, but I haven't been able to find any evidence of this. As the parent of one, one and a half year old, I know I am far from being a 'Dad expert'. But it's all fresh in my mind and before she was born, I looked and asked around everywhere for advice and found the vast majority of it to be severely lacking. ("Sleep when the baby sleeps?" Great idea, on paper). It's all so daunting, there's so much emphasis on the child and the mother so the Dad can get left behind a little bit. So perhaps this can help a future or new Dad. I know I could have used something like this.
First off, the pregnancy. This will really have very little to do with you. She will have lots of appointments, will need special food and vitamins. She might be cranky and/or emotional. Just be a good guy here. Really not a whole lot for you to do except be as good of a partner as possible and prepare yourselves for whats coming. Read some books. (You gotta have the baby room ready in advance, obviously. And the car seat, stroller, etc. Car seats are harder to install than you might think. Make sure you follow the instructions, there is more to them than it seems. You'll be getting tons and tons of random advice and people telling you their (sometimes horror) stories. Don't get psyched out or anything. Just prepare yourselves for the first month, really. You'll have plenty of time to get the stuff for the months afterwards and you won't really know exactly what you'll need anyway.)
Next: the birth. When your wife is a month or so out from being due, get a go bag ready. Clothes, books, laptop, maybe some food. Prepare for 4-7 days in the hospital where you will be woken up about every 2 hours. It'll all feel like an absolute blur, almost like a dream. No one is sleeping except the baby. The doctors and nurses don't give a FUCK about you in there, either. You'll be sleeping on the 'Dad bed" which is barely even a couch. Do NOT complain. Just help as much as you can and keep the room tidy. I went for a drive every day in the morning to get us breakfast/lunch and to just take a breather for an hour everyday, plus give your wife some alone time. And you can report back on the outside world when you get back to the hospital. It's hard to describe, but it can feel really weird being cooped up in there like that. So take a break when you can, but again, this part is obviously all about her and the baby so just be there for them. I've heard stories of guys playing video games while their wife gives birth and bitching to her about the lack of accommodations. For the love of god, don't be that guy. (Side note: research and have a plan about vaccines before you get to the hospital. Unfortunately, you really can't just trust the doctors anymore when it comes to vaccines. They'll want to inject your newborn with stuff literally the minute he or she is born. I read a great book called "The Vaccine Friendly Plan" by Dr. Paul which I highly recommend. Don't be afraid to tell the nurses no, either. They can be pushy and it's all pretty intimidating, but know what you're doing before you get there ((like, really know it)) and stick to it. Trust me, you'll thank yourself later. You can always get a vaccine later if you want but you can't undo one.)
Next up: going home and the first two weeks. Leaving the hospital the first time will be utterly surreal. You can't even believe they're just handing the baby off to you and off you go. This is where you have to shine and where you'll be needed. Your wife will be all banged up (even a C-section does quite a lot of damage), more tired than you, and her hormones will be all over the place. You have to be a rock. If you're overwhelmed or anything, don't show it to your wife. She needs you to be strong here. Make sure the house is clean and ready for you guys, make sure you have food and drinks and stuff like that.
The simplest and probably best advice I got around here was just make it to two months. Have that as a goal in your head. The first two months will be torture. Sorry to say but there's no getting around it. The baby will be waking up all throughout the night, every night, and you will be beyond sleep deprived. You'll have a long tough day, finally get yourself into bed, and then you'll get woken up two hours later. Its 24 hours, non-stop at first. Just be ready for it.
You also get nothing from the baby at this point. They can't even really see you. It's shocking how much of a blob they are at first and something I was not prepared for. Just tell yourself "get to two months", and "literal cavemen did this". The days will feel long and will all blur together. I felt a connection early on, but don't worry if you don't. You will at some point, I promise. After the first couple weeks, it'll slowly get better and better every day. But make no mistake about it; during the first month you will think to yourself at least a few times; "Now I understand why they use sleep depravation as a torture tactic".
Couple practical things for the first couple months of night feedings: have a plan beforehand. My wife and I came up with a good system of simply every other. I'd do one feeding, then she'd do the next one, and so on. So many couples fight at this point about who should get up in the middle of the night. Another good piece of advice, don't both do it at the same time. The first couple of nights you probably both will, but once you get the hang of it, make sure only one of you are doing it while the other one sleeps/recovers. For the first few weeks, I felt guilty about sleeping while she fed, so I would get up with her and basically just stand there and watch her feed at like 2 AM. Get your rest while you can and if you're not helping, you're not helping.
A great resource we used for sleeping was the Ferber method. My doctor friend turned us on to it, but you may have heard of it from the movie "Meet The Parents." Some people still think it's a joke, but it's a great simple system of letting them cry for a little bit longer every night before you go in. Otherwise, you can start to train them that crying=parents rushing in as fast as possible. It'll be hard to let them cry at first but rushing in there is not doing them any favors. You can look up the Ferber method yourself for free. It's very simple. And I highly recommend using an actual timer and following it very strictly. You may think you can estimate 3 minutes, but I promise you that it's a lot harder than it seems, especially with your newborn scream crying in the middle of the night. (Side note: I remember reading somewhere that the ability for a newborn to 'self-soothe', aka put themselves back to sleep after waking up and crying, is one of the most important things for a baby at this stage and is an indicator of good life outcomes down the road. So do some research and have a solid plan around sleeping and stick to it). Have a solid routine for bedtime and stick to it every night. Our was: bath about every other night, PJ's and diaper, bottle on my lap in her room with the door shut and lights off, then a couple minutes of walking around with her lightly, burping her, then lay her down with her binky and wombat stuffed animal that she still loves. Good sleeping cues. Our routine is that I do the night time and my wife does the morning. You should help her in the mornings though and I do them at least once a week on the weekends. See what works for you).
After the first month, you should start to settle into it all. The baby should be sleeping better and you'll start to get some laughs and maybe even some eye contact. Baths in the sink can be fun. As stressful as it all is, don't forget to enjoy it. It'll go by fast and like I said, it'll all start to feel like a dream. But you're really starting to bond here and it will hit you that you are now DAD. Forever. It's heavy and you gotta give yourself a little bit of alone time here and there to just check in with yourself and clear your head. Lots of people will want to come over in the first month and while they all mean well, do not be afraid to tell them no sometimes. Protect your family at all costs here, and never forget about your wife.
Once you get to two months, 3 max, the baby really should be sleeping a lot better. If not the entire night, no more than one or two wake ups where you only go in half the time or something. I've heard horror stories of couples with 6 or 7 month olds who are still waking up 4 or 5 times a night! (I also just heard of one couple in particular who is really struggling with sleep and that the mothers mother didn't get her children to sleep through the night for 3 years!! Always take any advice with a grain of salt and consider the source). If they're not sleeping through the night after 3 months, you're doing something wrong. Treat it like any other problem; identify it, do some research, and experiment. For us, the Ferber method was a life-saver. So start there. You might have to modify it slightly if it isn't working after a week or so, but it really should. One other couple I know had a brutal start until they found their baby was getting acid reflux, no thanks to their doctor. Another side note: doctors are not gods. Don't treat then like they are. A lot of them can be dismissive so don't be afraid to trust your gut and advocate for yourself and your family.
Once they start sleeping through the night, it will feel completely different. You and your wife will start to feel normal again, you'll start feeling like a 'real Dad', you'll start getting more and more out of the baby which will feel incredible. The first time they laugh at something you do is amazing. Personally, I didn't want to bombard her with too much shit at first. People will give you all kinds of toys and gizmos and whatnot. I felt it was good to get her used to silence as much as I could and not try to bludgeon her tiny brain with bells and whistles right out of the gate. Oh and get a good pediatrician, obviously. This is another tricky spot with vaccines. Some of them will tell you that you have to get every single CDC recommended shot or they won't even take you on. Do not let them bully you into shit like that. We found a great one that is super into healthy, natural stuff and didn't force any vaccines onto us. They are out there but you gotta look around. Not to say we're 100% anti-vax and didn't get any, but nothing was forced on us. We basically followed the advice in the Vaccine Friendly book I mentioned.
From 6 months to a year and a half, which is where I am now, is SO MUCH easier than the first 6 months. Once they start walking that's a whole other thing and you'll be chasing them around all over the place, and it can be draining, but it's a different kind of draining than not getting sleep. They start to develop a little personality and it really is fun.
In closing; have a real, well thought out plan before any of it starts. Be flexible but not breakable. It is as hard as people say but it's not harder. And it is worth it. That's how worth it is...as brutal as it can be, the good does outweigh the bad. It's a huge, huge endeavor. To pluck a soul from the ether and thrust it into existence. Do not do it lightly but don't wait forever either. Make sure you are rock solid with your wife beforehand or else it'll all be so much harder than it needs to be. Give each other grace, too and remember that you're in it together. You'll both all over the place mentally. Talk about what kinds of parents you want to be and think about what kind of father you'll be. You will feel a lot different a couple months in. About yourself, your family, your place in the world. You literally become a different man and that is a good thing. Lean on support when you need to, but don't forget that you're a Man and a Dad now. You gotta be the rock that they come to, not the other way around. If that scares you, honestly it might not be for you. But if not, it's an awesome responsibility and if you do it, you jump in with both feet or you don't jump at all.
That's it for today I suppose. Bye for now!
